


Lost

by DespairsAntichrist



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Death, Despair Junko, Despair is Mental Illness, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Junko needs a fucking hug, Mental Health Issues, One-Shot, Self-Harm, Vent Writing, [READ DESCRIPTION], despair mikan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29466696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DespairsAntichrist/pseuds/DespairsAntichrist
Summary: Now in the arms of her beloved.. She knew that she was okay.. And even if she wasn’t, she knew that it would be okay.
Relationships: Enoshima Junko/Tsumiki Mikan
Kudos: 9





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,
> 
> So, as it says in the tags, this is an Alternate Universe and a vent piece. I'll be real brief about it so you can just delve into the story.
> 
> This is an AU where hope and despair are basic things. Despair is mental illness, and that can come in many forms. Hope is, well, being normal. Super basic, super easy to understand. 
> 
> Junko has always been my comfort character since the minute I laid eyes on her, both of the Despair Sisters really. In this though, she's really self-insert, and it follows my life pretty harshly..  
> I lost my grandmother four years ago, and to this day, I still don't know how to cope with it. I like to say I've practically gone insane, but others digress. She was practically my mother, definitely more of one than my own ever was. She was always in and out of the hospital, never quite took care of herself, and soon enough it lead to her demise. I'm in a long distance relationship, my lover is all the way in good old Germany, meanwhile I'm stuck rotting in the disgusting US. On her deathbed, my grandmother gave me 200 bucks towards a trip to see my beloved, (when she died I found out that was the last of her money alive. There was absolutely nothing in her bank accounts, everything was gone, no cash, nothing. 200 bucks left to her name, and she gave it to me.. I swear.. It was like she knew she was going to die that night..) and to this day that shit has stuck with me, because when she was dying, she was delusional. She was paranoid and started hating everyone.. But she loved me to the end.. And for a long time I wanted someone to fill the void of love I lost.  
> Fast forward four years, I'm now happily in a proper relationship with the woman I love, I got to see her that year and she held me through most of the tough times.. She filled a void I couldn't quite fill alone, because she understood what that void was like.. I.. Junko is portrayed exactly as I was. The flashbacks are pure representations of how those nights went four years ago, and I don't think I could have portrayed the feeling better. Sure, some things are tweaked for writing purposes, but.. Maybe it'll resonate with others. I still have this void, everyday has the chance of just being gloomy and boring, while others are hopeful and shining..  
> Someone might understand that feeling, and if you do, hopefully you've learned that you're not alone.

_Shining eyes looked at her, similar scarlet red’s gazing into her own as Junko felt arms wrap around her. With a breath leaving her, she held onto the figure as tight as she could, knowing that sooner or later they would disappear. It wasn’t as if she wanted them to.. In her dreams, the holds of despair and hope never seemed to exist, but Junko knew that her past did. Always it came back to bite her in the ass.. Soon enough she was certain it may swallow her whole, but until that day, she would hold on tightly to one of the only people she was ever capable of loving.. Feeling a hand run through her disheveled strawberry blonde locks, Junko didn’t even realize the tears slipping down her cheeks as she nuzzled herself against the woman’s chest, her sobs quiet against their chest as she heard the quiet, ‘Hush, Dear’, on the wind. Pressing her head evermore into them, her voice left her, barely full and croaked against the woman’s chest, but she knew she would be able to hear it._

_“Please.. Don’t go..”_

_Picking her head up from her chest, Junko locked gazes with those beautiful red she had adored as a child. To wake up and see them everyday, to having to go to sleep only to see them in her dreams.. With quivering lips, Junko tried to force a smile, but for once she couldn’t. She was begging this entity to stay with her throughout the night, maybe even throughout the morning. Junko knew that she was only ever truly happy in the confines of her own dreams, and that alone should have been a sign that something was terribly wrong.._

_“You’ll be alright, J J.. I promise.”_

_Despite hearing the words, she wanted to scream, tell the woman that she was wrong. The pain she felt was amounting and Junko was just waiting for it to topple over like a house of cards, and then that would be it. She would suffer the consequences of life, wake up, and feel absolutely nothing once again.. That’s how it had been.. That’s how it_ **_always_ ** _would be.. Whining as she watched the figure grow lighter in her hands, Junko shook her head frantically, a hand slowly coming to cup her cheek as she pressed into it, crying out for the world to hear._

_“Mom, p-please! D-Don’t leave me here!”_

* * *

Scarlet reds opened, and that was that. The familiar feeling caved in upon her and Junko blinked. With a heavy sigh, she pressed into her pillow, a hand going up to move stray strands out of her face. From the feeling alone, she knew she had been sweating, her nightmares never were kind to her.. Even so, she felt the arm that was locked over her hips, the body flush against her own. A smile wanted to curl on her lips, but none came. The void had set itself in place and Junko knew it wouldn’t go away till she fell asleep once more. Dreaming for happiness.. Dreaming for _hope… It’s such a sad fate.. Isn’t it?_ Wallowing in self-pity as she might, Junko pulled the covers up till they rested just beneath her nose, breathing in the soft scent of the detergent from having been washed the night before. It would suffice for the time being. She wasn’t sure she wanted to move yet, knowing she would alert the girl behind her that she was up. That wasn’t a terrible reality, but Junko knew that soon enough she would isolate herself and want to speak with no one. It was how she was. When the despair of reality became too much, she shut herself away from the world, knowing that nothing could ever match the hope she gained within her dreams. Blinking slowly at the thought, Junko pressed her hips back against the woman behind her, expecting to hear a soft whimper, maybe a groan, anything really; When she was met with silence though, everything seemed to freeze. 

_Huh… To be left alone with your thoughts.. What a shame…_

Junko knew she was being overdramatic. If she pleased she could wake the woman behind her, be held and comforted, and maybe it would all just end there, but that was never the case. Try as hard as she may like, Junko was sick. Despair had pressed itself upon her from a young age, and soon enough she didn’t know anything but it’s cold embrace. To try and embrace Hope? It seemed like a sad attempt at trying to love someone you just truly didn’t like.. A void had set itself within her, and she was certain that perhaps no heat could ever quite fill it. It had been like that ever since her mother died.. Sad scarlet reds tried to blink the thought away, but it played through her head far too much to the point where she got a headache. It had always been like that.. Unwanted flashbacks just forcing their way into her mind uninvited.. _When all she wanted was just a sliver of hope.._

_“Junko..”_

_The voice called to her as she sat on the windowsill in the hospital. Luckily it had been large enough to hold her, and soon enough she popped a headphone in and that was that. Her booted feet dangled off against the wall, occasionally pressing against the heater beneath it, but as she heard her name, her head turned. Meeting the familiar reds that adorned her own person, Junko smiled--genuinely smiled--nothing fake, nor forced, just pure, genuine happiness.. Taking her headphone out of her ear, she replied, still nothing more than a carefree girl who hadn’t a clue what the world had in store for her quite yet._

_“Yeah, Ma~?”_

_Scarlet red eyed her mother behind black rimmed glasses, her finger pressing them into place as she kept that smile all the while. It didn’t quiver, nor try and run from her, it simply remained and she could’ve made it much brighter if she pleased. A hand reached out for her and Junko felt her heart flutter slightly before she had gotten off of the windowsill, eyeing the figure in bed. Her mother had been in and out of the hospital for as long as she could remember. Always having some sort of illness, to soon having her body hate her and try to fend her off. It was an unfair and unjust fight, but Junko knew with all her heart that her mother would prevail. She just had to.._

_“Here.. For that new outfit you wanted.”_

_When money was resting in her mother’s hand, Junko immediately froze. It wasn’t like she needed money.. She was a model.. The Ultimate Fashionista.. Junko brought enough money in to provide for nearly anything.. Sure, her father and mother were amazing ultimates and had well-paying jobs too, but.. Never once was she just handed money, Junko didn’t need that sort of stuff. Especially from her mother.._

_“I.. I can afford it myself, Ma, really.. Y-You don’t need to--”_

_“Just take it, Junko.”_

_The voice of her father sounded next and as Junko looked between him and her mother, she frowned. It might have been the first time she felt that feeling slip into her system.. That_ **_despair.._ ** _More and more after that, it seemed to grow, and Junko was worried if there would ever be an end._

Closing her eyes tightly for a moment, Junko moved a hand to her face, rubbing at her eyes before she heard the familiar whine behind her. _Fuck.._ That wasn’t what she had wanted. For someone so intelligent, the one thing she had to do was not move, and she could’ve stayed alone with her thoughts for longer.. Was that what she really wanted though? _To be left alone with despair..?_ A soft hum sounded against her neck, gentle kisses following in suit as Junko stifled a small whine. Lowering her hand, she felt her body move back, being pressed against the woman’s front. Blinking tired reds, Junko was silent as she heard the gentle tone from behind.

“G..Good morning, Beloved..”

Feeling the nurse nuzzle against her, Junko didn’t respond for a moment. She didn’t want to be rude, maybe she could have feigned still being half-asleep if she were called out on it.. Junko had learned plenty of ways to get away with things after a while. Lying had become a specialty of hers, and no one ever seemed to be any wiser. Maybe it was for attention, or maybe it was just to see people’s reaction, but sooner or later, one thing was for certain. _Everyone was the same, and this world was utterly, utterly boring._

“Morning..”

Junko didn’t even realize how weak her voice was as she had opted to respond to Mikan. It was rude to leave her hanging, and she never normally did in the morning. ‘Starting the day off right is a huge help!’, she could almost hear the words as they had left her therapist. Maybe bringing Mikan to a few of her appointments had been a mistake.. She knew the woman cared deeply about her, but sometimes it grew overwhelming to where Junko was unsure of if she wanted it anymore. The feeling had grown for so long, and Junko despised herself for it. If there was anyone in the world that hated her, Junko was certain she could top their hatred with her own. Despair held her in such a tight hug, she was certain it wouldn’t ever let go. 

“Mmh~ I’ll get up in a bit and make us breakfast.. Just.. Five more minutes…”

The sleepy tone behind her made her nod, a slow smile curling at the ends of her lips. It wasn’t anything spectacular, but at least it portrayed her feelings in that moment. Death seemed to take more than just her mother that fateful morning.. With it had gone her emotions, her mentality, in short--Everything.. 

_Junko blinked her eyes as she sat in the passenger seat of her twin’s jet black Camaro. Tired scarlet reds tried to stay open as she glanced out the window, watching the leaves pick up in the wind as they went by. She had gotten a call at two in the morning after having gone back home to get rest. Both her father and sister had insisted she go back to the house, almost somehow knowing the situation was far too overwhelming for her.. Even so, Junko pressed herself against the door, her glasses digging into the bridge of her nose as she pressed against her arm. The air was cool and crisp, Mukuro never really was one to crank up the heat, even in the colder seasons. It was a small thing Junko had come to enjoy, her sensitivity to the heat far too unbearable.. Maybe that was why her twin had started doing such a ludicrous thing.._

_“Sorry for waking you up.. I know you could have used more sleep.”_

_They were on their way back to the hospital, a thirty minute drive as Junko had recalled. She almost counted the seconds and minutes each time she was in a car heading there. It kept her mind occupied, distracted.. Anything to keep away the inevitable. Shaking her head as she heard her twin’s soft voice, Junko kept her eyes trained on the world outside, until she felt a hand gently take her own. Her twin wasn’t one to be handsy. She wasn’t one for physical contact nearly at all.. So feeling a hand in her own, Junko knew it was only a matter of ti--_

_“Mom died about an hour ago.. The doctors kept her alive the best she could, but her heart kept giving out.. Dad finally made the decision to let her go.. Keeping her alive was just torture.”_

_The words left her twin, and everything seemed to stop. It was like she had been tossed down a well, her eyes blinking. Her twin was still talking, but no matter what she said, none of it seemed to reach the fashionista. Scarlet reds stared aimlessly at the world rushing by outside of the car, but nothing sticked. The void that had been itching its way to get inside of her for years had finally found a way in.. Her walls had come down for a single second, and the void was set in stone. Numbness overtook her, a small laugh leaving between quivering lips as she shook her head, continuously shaking it as she tried to comprehend each feeling that was coursing through her. Have you ever felt so many feelings at once, that soon enough you felt nothing at all..?_

Junko didn’t even realize the time that had passed as she spaced out. Rubbing at her eyes for the third time that morning, she rolled onto her back, realizing the space next to her was empty. _That’s right.._ Mikan had gotten up to make them both breakfast, and Junko hadn’t said a word to her as she had left.. Junko was aware that her girlfriend knew the extent of her episodes. Sometimes it rendered her mute, to where other times she spoke too much that people grew annoyed. Her ways of coping with feelings she didn’t want or understand, was probably why the nurse had successfully gotten her to agree to attending therapy. It was a small loss in Junko’s book, but she knew the girl was just trying to make her hopeful again.. _Anything to see her smile.._

Soon enough she tossed the covers off of her, sitting up as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Tired scarlet reds stared at the floor, hands cradling her head for a moment as she just sat there. Cuts from two nights ago stared back at her on her left arm, and all she did was shake her head with a small chuckle. It was a sad feat really.. She had gone four months without harming herself, four months with happiness, four months of being _hopeful.. Then everything just felt useless._ What was the point in being hopeful? The point of acting happy when you’re not? Junko didn’t understand the tireless fight that ensued around her. She saw the fight among plenty of people, most of them being riddled on the fine line of hope and despair. One minor inconvenience could tip the balance and they’d fall into the abyss. One minor event could raise the beam and they’d ascend to the stars..

“Tch..”

She felt blood in her mouth, rising from the bed as she looked around the room for a moment. Nothing felt familiar. It was almost as if she had entered some warped reality in which everyday occurrences because rare moments. The thought irked her and she knew she was being stupid, but Junko couldn’t shake the feeling as she made her way towards the private bathroom connecting to her room. Opening the door, she was met with nothing but the cold frigid tiles. Her bare feet connected with it, head turning as she made sure a towel was on the rack and everything was in place. Junko normally despised entering the shower when she was in this state of mind. Her head was in shambles, and she knew the last thing she should be doing was forcing herself to be alone. She isolated herself every opportunity she got. It wasn’t because she didn’t like who she was around, in fact, she loved them. _But a tiny voice in her head always told her she was better off alone._

Sliding the glass door open to the shower, Junko stepped in, a hand running through her hair before she pressed her body against the back wall. The cold glass felt nice against her skin, but even so, she craved the opposite. Turning the faucet on, she remained where she was, the frigid water pounding against the tile floor beneath her. Goosebumps formed along her skin as she waited for the water to heat up, a small sigh leaving the fashionista as she watched the way it smacked against the tiles below. With a shiver running down her spine, she waited patiently to feel the warm droplets connect with her skin. It wouldn’t take long, but Junko would wait till they were scorching hot. The feeling of burning water connecting with her skin always seemed to relax her.. It filled a void that no one really could. 

_Her head smacked against the door to the bathroom as Junko grit her teeth. The day after her mother had died, and here she was, home.._ **_Alone._ ** _She had started isolating herself from people ever since, her father and sister having gone to a restaurant for breakfast.. Her sister had run a hand through her hair that morning, telling her to go back to sleep as she had awoken, noticing the way Junko’s eyes were red and puffy from having cried herself to sleep that night. Soon enough, it had landed her where she was now. Her hand pressed against the door, opening it as she looked around the familiar room. Junko felt akin to a zombie, nothing more than a husk roaming the earth. Everything felt so distant, but somehow so close, and she hated that feeling with a burning passion. She wanted to feel something, maybe to die.. Junko knew that if she died she would be with her mother.. And maybe then everything would be alright.._

_Her hand reached for the knife she had kept in her bathroom from the night before. She had been too tired then to even try and do anything, the exhaustion overtaking her before she passed out on the couch in the living room. Now she was standing in the bathroom, blood dripping from the knife as she didn’t even realize she had started. Watching the red slip down her arm, Junko didn’t say a word. Her look was stoic as she watched it, her eyes following its every move. Even then, it wasn’t enough. The slices became more and more, till the point where there wasn’t a spot left on her arm to cut. If she tried to continue, she would just overlap with other cuts, and the pain was already too immense. She felt the way the knife glided along the blood, not leaving proper cuts at that point as she just seemed to move the blood on her arm around. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes, but as much as she wanted them to fall, they didn’t. That day she had lost her ability to cry.. Every feeling that wanted to leave her had no way out, and she knew there would never be a way to let it all out. Laughing in the silence of the bathroom, Junko watched as the blood made its way onto the white carpet, dripping and smacking against the floor below. All she did was watch, her laughter having died out without her realization before she smiled near sleepily. It was weak, and Junko knew the amount of blood she was losing was probably problematic, but she didn’t seem to care. Slowly, she just went about her morning._

Feeling the water connect with her skin, Junko let out a gasped breath, a soft whine leaving her as she felt the water wash away the memory. It seemed so distant, but Junko was aware that it had only been four years since her mother’s passing. She assumed that at some point this void would have lessened, that she would have gotten better. Faking a smile some days was easy, others it was hard. Junko was walking the fine line of what she was actually feeling, versus what she wanted to feel. It was a constant battle that raged throughout her mind, and somehow it always ended with her being bored and empty. Running her hands back through strawberry blonde locks, she gazed ahead at the wall, feeling the way her heart slammed against her chest for a moment. It felt like she was watching a tsunami coming towards her, eminently waiting for the sweet kiss of death.. In this case, it wasn’t death that would greet her. Her lip slowly began to quiver, her neck twitching as she shook her head, trying to stop it all. She didn’t want to feel all of this.. It wouldn’t solve a thing. _It wouldn’t bring her mother back.._

 _Crying out into the bathroom, Junko clasped a hand over her mouth, breathing heavily as she shook her head endlessly. One feeling had amounted to another and soon enough it toppled over till she was left with nothing but pure agony. Pure_ **_despair._ ** _Her body refused to move as she watched the way the water dripped off of her body, swearing that at some point it had been blood instead. Closing her eyes tightly, she smacked her head against the walls, praying to god she would knock herself, but all it seemed to be doing was giving her a headache. Her screams sounded tirelessly, her throat tight and sore as a hand grabbed at her neck, squeezing tightly. Maybe choking herself out would help, losing the oxygen in her body till perhaps she passed out or--_

_“Junko..”_

_The soft voice sounded throughout her head, and as she had her hand wrapped around her neck, Junko turned her attention to the figure standing in the doorway. It was blurry, due not only to the hot tears stinging her eyes, but also the intricate designs that lined the glass. Her crying had stopped though, ragged breaths leaving her in turn as Junko watched the figure move. She recognized the voice, and that alone should have been enough to tell her that everything would be okay. At that time though, Junko hadn’t realized that someone had the ability to make her feel at ease, make her feel_ **_hopeful.._ ** _Pressing her head against the tile wall, Junko pressed with all her might, losing track of where the figure had gone. She was just hoping that enough pressure between her and the wall would cave her skull in, but that wasn’t quite the case. Gentle hands snaked around her body, and soon enough she felt herself being pulled back, turned around. Dull purple eyes looked back into Junko’s puffy reds and all the nurse could manage was a soft smile, a knowing smile. She was like her.. Mikan had experienced the pain, the grief.. Arms wrapped around Junko, and she felt her head being cradled against the top of the woman’s head, her tears mixing with the warm water that covered them both. They both needed it to survive.. To fill the void that endlessly grew.. Keeping a tight hold on her lifeline, Junko felt the kiss to the top of her head, and she felt the warmth that seethed through her body. For once she wouldn’t run.. She wouldn’t attempt to isolate herself from the world.. Junko didn’t even realize that she had been running and running for four years.. Taking a break for all of two seconds had made her exhausted, made her realize that everything she was doing, she was doing it wrong.. Now in the arms of her beloved.. She knew that she was okay.. And even if she wasn’t, she knew that it would be okay._

Nuzzling her face into dark violet locks, Junko felt the water crash around them as everything sunk into place. Holding Mikan in her arms, she knew that her aimless walk in the dark was over.. _She had been found.. But Junko wasn’t quite sure she wanted to be._

**Author's Note:**

> Weird to include here, but it's always a nice distraction from the world.  
> I'm looking for an RP partner. I'm strictly a lesbian roleplayer if you couldn't tell from the vast stories on my account. I rp on Discord, and mostly only there. Maybe if it strikes your fancy you can leave a comment. My two main/favorite ships are the one's I write here on Archive. But if you have any ideas, I'm always open to seeing how things could turn out.
> 
> Cheers  
> -Despairic


End file.
